life

I wish I was awesome. I wonder what it feels like to be awesome. To have done something special or worthwhile.

I have never done anything of any note. Never won a race, or game, or competition. Never got a medal. Even my exam results were mediocre to bad. Oh, I’ve done lots of stuff, had lots of experiences that others would give anything to have had. I’ve ridden horses, dived to the bottom of the sea, ridden on the back of a motorcycle going at 100 mph. I’ve starred in am-dram plays, and written stories and poems which people have said they liked. I’ve been to fabulous, exotic, far-away places, and met wonderful people. These days I garden, sew, cook, and still write stories and poems that people say they like and I’m pretty good when it comes to techie stuff. But honestly, I’m not good, not good good, at any of them. Just ok. Mediocre. Sometimes, that’s a bit depressing.

Watching some pretty awesome people on Strictly Come Dancing – Louis Smith and Victoria Pendleton, who have both won umpteen medals in their own disciplines, and Michael Vaughan , who led England Cricketers to win the Ashes in 2005, I can see that even though they are truly awesome, they can still be as awkward, self-conscious and insecure as me when they are out of their comfort zone.

I guess you just have to find your comfort zone. My comfort zone is my home, and watching my daughters becoming successful, caring and beautiful people. I consider them to be my biggest success.

I understand from others that I’m also quite good at listening. I can’t begin to count the number of times people rang me at work ‘just to have a moan’ and at the end say,

‘Thanks, I feel better now’.

I was the matriarch (according to the dictionary ‘a venerable old woman’!) of the organisation, the go to lady when life was a pain. Ok, I never did anything, and usually couldn’t come up with much in the way of words of wisdom. But perhaps being able to make someone feel better just by listening is a teeny bit awesome.

And shhh…don’t tell anyone, but I realise now that perhaps we’re all (yep, even me) a teeny bit awesome on the quiet.

Another perk of being at home so much is spending more time with my little dog, Suki. The thing about dogs is that they are joyful. Practically all the time. She had to spend this last weekend in the kennels, which she’s not so keen on, but happily joins in with the other inmates, her bark, as recognisable as my baby’s to me, as I drive off.

She was a rescue dog and has ‘issues’, particularly with other dogs, but despite her problems, she is a happy sort, and her favourite thing is, without a doubt, running. Running, running, running. Like the wind. Her paws barely touching the ground, she is off like a bullet as I release her from her lead. Huge circles round the fields, hareing back, tongue lolling, cheekily knocking my legs as she does a handbreak turn halt when I whistle for her. It looks like there are no thoughts in her head at all, she’s just enjoying the sensation of running. She has an enviable zest for life, a joie de vivre that I can only dream of.

Nothing is ever an effort. She’s up with the lark, waggy tailed, and ready to run in the garden before my eyes are even open. She is inquisitive, and will investigate every small thing she finds with the same happy curiosity whether it be a bit of carelessly dropped veg in the kitchen, or an ant wandering across the patio. She loves learning, and seems as pleased as I am that she can understand me when she finally gets the hang of a new trick.

Perhaps we could all do with a little of that doggy attitude. Making the most of those times when we can just do our own thing, taking pleasure in the small things, and actively enjoy picking up new skills.

I can just feel my joie-de-vivre seeping back already!